He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
