i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
