This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
