Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
