His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
