I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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