apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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