After last night, I could never be a politician.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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