I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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