Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
