i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
