I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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