When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
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