Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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