take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
