I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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