i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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