After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
