dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
