my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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