I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You smell like a Billy Joel song
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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