Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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