i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
