I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
