i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
