I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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