Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
