ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
