this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
