i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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