You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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