Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So here I am, sexting at work.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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