I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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