apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
