things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
