It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
