In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
