that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
