woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
