I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
