She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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