3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize