Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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