You made me cry and you don't even care
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
