someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
