There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
