he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he just fucked me for my cheese..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
