Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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