Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
