Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
