he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
