Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
MIDGETS
????
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
