When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
