My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You're like the curious george of whores
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize