so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
