I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
