five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
